BEHIND MY BRAVE FACE

Chianti, how have things been for you since everything happened?

Let’s rewind to the day I lost my father. The entire ride home from the hospital was silent. Completely silent. Not a single thought or feeling possessed me. I was numb.

As we pulled up to our apartment, I felt a wave of emotions come over me. It illuminated my entire body. I walked through the door, and that wave gathered behind my teeth. I walked up the stairs dragging my feet underneath me, taking every step with intention. Then I sat on the toilet and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. Each breath was deep and rapid.

Reality had finally sunk in. The truth that I had just walked into my apartment, and my father wouldn’t be there, It overwhelmed me. I steadied my breathing and gathered myself, at least for now.

Since that day, I haven’t had a single moment to revisit those feelings. I haven’t been able to unpack why I couldn’t express them in the hospital. I've had to put my brave face on and show up as the person my boss, students, and mom needs me to be.

But my apartment hasn’t felt peaceful in a long time. It’s constantly filled with a presence, an energy, that doesn’t feel safe. My mom is going through a hardship that has brought strain into our home. And because of it, I’ve had to take on more responsibility to get us through.

Imagine carrying all of these thoughts and emotions, bubbling at the surface with nowhere to place them. More specifically, I can't get rid of this immense pressure behind my teeth begging to be released.

So to answer your question, my sister and my mother have turned our apartment into a place that doesn't feel safe for me anymore. And since I don’t feel safe, I also don’t feel comfortable releasing those emotions.

That may sound harsh, But I’m speaking from my experience. And I need to honor that.